Here I am counting down the days, hours, minutes, and seconds to everything that has to do with you. I wish I didn’t feel this way; I wish I could keep everything bottled up and be okay and move on to something new.

Photo Credit: greatergood.berkeley.edu

However, every day I think more and more like a prisoner of your actions, and I still beat myself up for everything; you cross my mind, and I know it’s only a matter of time before I get all tensed again, confused again why can’t I just let it go and move on? Every single time it becomes heavier than the last time. I feel like a baby learning to walk again; I keep learning to love again because somehow you took it all from me, and I haven’t been able to regain any. Amazing people continuously suffer because of your actions and even I, because I want to be happy again, I mean thrilled, love again without doubts or fears. However, I will acknowledge their presence this time around. How can one person gain some much access to your heart and then take it away just like that? It’s honestly a Russian roulette for hearts.

forgive word handwritten on chalkboard with heart symbol instead of O

I still battle with myself every day, trying to figure out if I was never good enough, if I wasn’t lovable, if I wasn’t everything you made me believe when we started, and the answer is still an intense silence because I still don’t know. Sometimes I feel like picking up the phone and calling you to talk about it because I clearly can’t figure it out, and NO!! I don’t want back in, but I don’t know why I have refused to move on. I start to feel the answers might be with you, what you did, whatever you took from me, the questions you never answered, was she better?, was I not the one?, and why when you stopped loving you didn’t tell me you varnished like nothing ever happened and you varnished with the best part of me. Now I am left with a shell, an empty shell, and I was doing fine till another came into my life after you left and has made all the sacrifices to be with me, but for the first time, I still resist the urge to be with someone who makes me happy. It’s like fighting back my feelings every day, and it isn’t getting any easier to do; I do not know how long I can keep this up.

CLOSURE!! I need closure from you to feel like myself again, but I also ask myself, do I need closure, or I can do without it? And for once, the answer is a resounding silence because I still don’t know. Now I am slowly coming to the realisation that I gave you so much of me. I gave an unapologetic raw and uncut loving side of me; doing that means I can be that again; I might not need closure or you telling me why you did it. I probably need to forgive myself for everything and acknowledge the fact that it wasn’t me. It was you, and I honestly won’t love anyone until I forgive and love myself.

sometimes all you need is to pick yourself up and enjoy your own company.

WRITTEN BY

BELUSCONI