Multiple angles, multiple takes, and multiple views are trying to have a say in one person’s life.

” you should forgive”,

 ” you should go”,

 ” you should move on ” that’s all I hear; I get it’s what I should do, but how easy is it? I mean, letting go, moving on, forgiving, I honestly want to, but some levels of hurt can’t be fixed or wished away. Time has to run its natural course, and even after that, it still doesn’t go for some; for me, the hurt, the pain, the anger, the thought of giving it your all and still coming up with nothing. The pain only grows stronger as time goes by for me; I have tried and tried to make it stop, make it go away but all to no avail. They say time heals all wounds, scars or hurt, but in my case, the time has only deepened my wounds, scars and my hurt; the cut still stays ever fresh in my memory. Plus, don’t get me wrong, I am not fuelling this, I am not fuelling a retaliation, I am trying to move on but moving on only draws me in deep.

Sometimes I sit and wonder if it’s this heavy why then do people search for it why not run from it, I long for the day I will create a cold hearted b**tch in me but I can’t help but feel like that would mean I am doing worse than he is, that obviously I am the one trying to survive everyday while he is living his best life everyday, true, a cold hearted me would seem like a better version on the surface but in the long run I know it’s only destroying who I am and what I really want from life because i should be doing better mentally, physically and truly for him to be able to tell himself if we ever crossed paths that he definitely lost a rare me becoming a cold hearted me would only show how weak I have become and it will all just be about sex, one night stands, no commitment, breaking hearts don’t get me wrong I really would love that but I am way passed that stage all I want now is one to call my own, one to laugh and cry with, talk and argue and make up with, achieve and rise to the top with, honestly is that too much to ask? Sorry, I asked because I realise it is. Love seems to be old fashioned, and people who want it seems to be old fashioned, but I want it, I do.

Now I believe it’s safe to say I must learn to live with the pain because it’s not going anywhere; I will move on when the time comes when it’s all gone, that’s if it ever goes. Love isn’t devoid of pain, heartbreaks, hurt, and all that stuff; it knows these things do happen, and the memory never fades, but it should make you wiser not to run from love because it’s useless running. Which will always catch up with you no matter how far you run. So as of now, I am not running anymore. I want to be loved once again.